I was scrolling through some old emails when I found a letter I sent to my home friends about a year ago while I was in residency at Zen Mountain Monastery over in Mt. Tremper, New York. I had just finished my first week there, and wrote the email while still glowing, basking in awe of the whole situation. Living the monastic life was always this romanticized dream of mine, and suddenly there I stood, robes and all, smiling with the thought of embarking on some sort of dramatic spiritual adventure. I was several weeks away from the silent intensive weeklong sesshin retreat, which was when both my meditation practice and sanity were truly pushed to their limit. No, this is just a written capture of a first week filled with new people, new places, new ideas, new rituals, new practices, new mindset, fully of excitement with not a clue about what was to come.
02/15/08dearest friends,
It's only been six days since I've arrived at the zen mountain monastery but it's already quite clear to me this next month will easily be one of the most meaningful and transformative four weeks in the nineteen yearlong saga I call my life. This email is my first attempt at quantifying what exactly has happened since I've gotten here, and trying to put my experience into words is already proving harder than I had imagined. It's almost as if words could never do justice to the feeling of being here, existing here. It might sound like an unnecessary exaggeration but I truly feel I've learned more about myself, about the world, about reality in the past week than I have in last year. This is one of the most difficult, intense, and rewarding things i've ever done, but just the thought of having three more weeks to live here brings a smile to my face.
I'm surrounded every day with an unbelievably intelligent, fascinating group of people. Doctors, chemists, psychotherapists, astrophysicists (!), professors, world-class dancers, and philosophy graduate students, all who put their careers and lives on hold to live in this place and dedicate their life to seeking out the answers to the most basic and fundamental questions about human life. Who am I? What is the nature of self? What is the ultimate nature of reality? Every person here has his or her own incredible, unique life story, but in the end everyone in this community is linked by their intense devotion to pursuing these questions.
As inadequate and lacking as my description with inevitably be, I'm going to do my best to give you an idea of what life's like here. I live in a cabin up in the woods with three other guys who, like me, are doing a one month residency here: Joel, a 34 year old Montrealian, Arkadiy, a 22 year college grad on his way to med school, and Roy, a 47 former Bank of America executive who quit his job a year ago after realizing the $160,000 salary-big house-fancy car aristocratic life isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Anyway, wake up call is 4:45. we wake up in silence, which we maintain until after morning meditation is over. Wake up, dress up, short hike over to the monastery, little bit of time to grab some tea or coffee downstairs, after which we're robed up and ready at the zendo for an hour and a half of zen meditation between 5:30 and 7:00.
a sidenote on zazen:
I don't think there's much out there more difficult to master than zen meditation. To sit completely still and silently for an 1 1/2 hours is demanding enough as it is, but the real challenge happens inside. I wish I could do a better job at explain this practice to you, but essentially in zazen the practitioner directs all his awareness and attention on the breath. breath coming in, breath coming out. breath coming in, breathing coming out. not judging the breath, not thinking about the breath, just complete and total awareness of it. this is easier said than done. if you try and quiet your mind down, even for a minute, you'll notice seemingly random thoughts will come up. perhaps they concern the past, perhaps they concern the future, perhaps they even consider the very present itch on your right ear but regardless of their content they will come up, tantalizing you, offering all sorts of sensational thoughts luring you to pursue them. its almost as if the mind is rebelling against you and will find ways to entertain itself at all costs. instead of latching on and letting the thoughts carry us off to all sorts of fantasies and daydreams as they usually do, the idea is to recognize the thought, let it go, and return the breath. this happens time and time again, but as time goes on one develops samadhi, single-pointedness of the mind. the benefit of this is being able to direct the mind's complete attention and awareness on whatever we want, whenever we need to. we transfer over this type of awareness to other aspects of our day during work-practice, but more on that in a bit. watching the mind's behavior during such intense stillness is quite eye opening, and i finally understand what all my tibet instructor brian meant when they said the types of insights gained about the workings of the mind through meditation really defy description, and really need to be experienced first-hand to be understood.
in addition, in succeeding to replace that seemingly constant stream of thoughts, that internal monologue with pure, focused awareness, something quite interesting happens. When thoughts cease, thinking ceases. When thinking ceases, the thinker himself ceases to exist. When the thinker, what we often readily identify as 'self' ceases to exist, what is left? something amazing, something fascinating, something beyond my ability to describe and qualify in words, all i know is that for the flashes of moments i've felt it, it was a state of consciousness beyond anything i've ever experienced before. one thing's for sure: there is far more to our minds than our everyday lives, so consumed in constant movement and thought, allow us to see.
After dawn zazen, we all eat breakfast together, and at 8:15 work practice begins. during work practice every resident is assigned a job related to the maintenance of the monastery. Work practice is done in silence, as the idea is to transfer the complete focus cultivated during meditation over to the tasks we do in every day life. As in, if i'm putting stamps on envelopes, i focus my complete and total awareness on the process of putting stamps of envelopes without letting myself get caught up in that internal monologue. Same idea: thought comes up, see it, recognize it, let it go, return to the task at hand. Fortunately my work practice has been far more interesting and useful than stamping. I've spent the majority of my time working either in the shed, where I'm developing my newly-discovered carpentry skills planing, cutting, sanding, staining wood to be used for beds, tables, and a variety of other purposes, or in the kitchen helping Seiken, this year's elected cook to make lunch and dinner. I can't wait to come back and blow everyone away with some mindblowing tempeh or crunchy, crispy perfection of the seitan i now know how to prepare. A carpenter and a cook! hah! We eat dinner at noon and recommence with work practice until 5. Between 5 and 6 we have the only completely unscheduled hour in the day to do whatever, which is usually when i try to fit my reading in. Dinner is at 6, and at 7:30 we begin evening zazen until 9. by 9:30 i'm back in the cabin and it's lights out. i usually fall asleep asap, since i know i'll be up at 4:45 the following day.
There is a weekly break. Sunday afternoon until Tuesday afternoon is called hosan. We break off the monastery schedule and everyone is free to go and do whatever they'd like to do. Last night was the first night we've had off since i got here, and so me, doug, will, lynn, and arikady drove up to nearby woodstock, ny, of woodstock fame. It was a wonderful wonderful night. We went to an anti-superbowl party at a local bar, kicked it with a couple beers, and enjoyed an unexpectedly talented series of local musicians. although that beside arikady i'm easily the youngest person here by at least a decade, it's been a complete non-issue and i really just feel exceptionally fortunate to be spending time with these incredible people. there's no doubt in my mind i'm going to be returning back here in the summer. for someone whose been seeking a way to get in touch with the bigger picture, to deepen his/her understanding of reality, to throw away illusions and really investigate the nature of the self, this is it. this is mostly definitely it.
I love you all dearly.
~ofer
It's only been six days since I've arrived at the zen mountain monastery but it's already quite clear to me this next month will easily be one of the most meaningful and transformative four weeks in the nineteen yearlong saga I call my life. This email is my first attempt at quantifying what exactly has happened since I've gotten here, and trying to put my experience into words is already proving harder than I had imagined. It's almost as if words could never do justice to the feeling of being here, existing here. It might sound like an unnecessary exaggeration but I truly feel I've learned more about myself, about the world, about reality in the past week than I have in last year. This is one of the most difficult, intense, and rewarding things i've ever done, but just the thought of having three more weeks to live here brings a smile to my face.
I'm surrounded every day with an unbelievably intelligent, fascinating group of people. Doctors, chemists, psychotherapists, astrophysicists (!), professors, world-class dancers, and philosophy graduate students, all who put their careers and lives on hold to live in this place and dedicate their life to seeking out the answers to the most basic and fundamental questions about human life. Who am I? What is the nature of self? What is the ultimate nature of reality? Every person here has his or her own incredible, unique life story, but in the end everyone in this community is linked by their intense devotion to pursuing these questions.As inadequate and lacking as my description with inevitably be, I'm going to do my best to give you an idea of what life's like here. I live in a cabin up in the woods with three other guys who, like me, are doing a one month residency here: Joel, a 34 year old Montrealian, Arkadiy, a 22 year college grad on his way to med school, and Roy, a 47 former Bank of America executive who quit his job a year ago after realizing the $160,000 salary-big house-fancy car aristocratic life isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Anyway, wake up call is 4:45. we wake up in silence, which we maintain until after morning meditation is over. Wake up, dress up, short hike over to the monastery, little bit of time to grab some tea or coffee downstairs, after which we're robed up and ready at the zendo for an hour and a half of zen meditation between 5:30 and 7:00.
a sidenote on zazen:
I don't think there's much out there more difficult to master than zen meditation. To sit completely still and silently for an 1 1/2 hours is demanding enough as it is, but the real challenge happens inside. I wish I could do a better job at explain this practice to you, but essentially in zazen the practitioner directs all his awareness and attention on the breath. breath coming in, breath coming out. breath coming in, breathing coming out. not judging the breath, not thinking about the breath, just complete and total awareness of it. this is easier said than done. if you try and quiet your mind down, even for a minute, you'll notice seemingly random thoughts will come up. perhaps they concern the past, perhaps they concern the future, perhaps they even consider the very present itch on your right ear but regardless of their content they will come up, tantalizing you, offering all sorts of sensational thoughts luring you to pursue them. its almost as if the mind is rebelling against you and will find ways to entertain itself at all costs. instead of latching on and letting the thoughts carry us off to all sorts of fantasies and daydreams as they usually do, the idea is to recognize the thought, let it go, and return the breath. this happens time and time again, but as time goes on one develops samadhi, single-pointedness of the mind. the benefit of this is being able to direct the mind's complete attention and awareness on whatever we want, whenever we need to. we transfer over this type of awareness to other aspects of our day during work-practice, but more on that in a bit. watching the mind's behavior during such intense stillness is quite eye opening, and i finally understand what all my tibet instructor brian meant when they said the types of insights gained about the workings of the mind through meditation really defy description, and really need to be experienced first-hand to be understood.
in addition, in succeeding to replace that seemingly constant stream of thoughts, that internal monologue with pure, focused awareness, something quite interesting happens. When thoughts cease, thinking ceases. When thinking ceases, the thinker himself ceases to exist. When the thinker, what we often readily identify as 'self' ceases to exist, what is left? something amazing, something fascinating, something beyond my ability to describe and qualify in words, all i know is that for the flashes of moments i've felt it, it was a state of consciousness beyond anything i've ever experienced before. one thing's for sure: there is far more to our minds than our everyday lives, so consumed in constant movement and thought, allow us to see.After dawn zazen, we all eat breakfast together, and at 8:15 work practice begins. during work practice every resident is assigned a job related to the maintenance of the monastery. Work practice is done in silence, as the idea is to transfer the complete focus cultivated during meditation over to the tasks we do in every day life. As in, if i'm putting stamps on envelopes, i focus my complete and total awareness on the process of putting stamps of envelopes without letting myself get caught up in that internal monologue. Same idea: thought comes up, see it, recognize it, let it go, return to the task at hand. Fortunately my work practice has been far more interesting and useful than stamping. I've spent the majority of my time working either in the shed, where I'm developing my newly-discovered carpentry skills planing, cutting, sanding, staining wood to be used for beds, tables, and a variety of other purposes, or in the kitchen helping Seiken, this year's elected cook to make lunch and dinner. I can't wait to come back and blow everyone away with some mindblowing tempeh or crunchy, crispy perfection of the seitan i now know how to prepare. A carpenter and a cook! hah! We eat dinner at noon and recommence with work practice until 5. Between 5 and 6 we have the only completely unscheduled hour in the day to do whatever, which is usually when i try to fit my reading in. Dinner is at 6, and at 7:30 we begin evening zazen until 9. by 9:30 i'm back in the cabin and it's lights out. i usually fall asleep asap, since i know i'll be up at 4:45 the following day.
There is a weekly break. Sunday afternoon until Tuesday afternoon is called hosan. We break off the monastery schedule and everyone is free to go and do whatever they'd like to do. Last night was the first night we've had off since i got here, and so me, doug, will, lynn, and arikady drove up to nearby woodstock, ny, of woodstock fame. It was a wonderful wonderful night. We went to an anti-superbowl party at a local bar, kicked it with a couple beers, and enjoyed an unexpectedly talented series of local musicians. although that beside arikady i'm easily the youngest person here by at least a decade, it's been a complete non-issue and i really just feel exceptionally fortunate to be spending time with these incredible people. there's no doubt in my mind i'm going to be returning back here in the summer. for someone whose been seeking a way to get in touch with the bigger picture, to deepen his/her understanding of reality, to throw away illusions and really investigate the nature of the self, this is it. this is mostly definitely it.I love you all dearly.
~ofer
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