october 16, 2007.

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the world is disintegrating before my very eyes.

matter ceases to appear solid. the bedposts, paintings, and walls all surrounding me flow in and out of each other. everything is different and yet ultimately everything is the same.

i gaze directly into samantha's wide, ever-expanding pupil and feel her spirit, her thoughts and feelings penetrate me. eye to eye, a deceivingly silent, yet intensely overwhelming connection is formed. i feel the energy flow passing through her into me and through me into her. I am completely vulnerable. She is completely vulnerable. We lie there, clothes on but emotionally naked, all our natural mental shields obliterated. I am overtaken with the sensation of her flowing through my mind and soul, through the greatest and worst of my memories. I remember smiling to myself. "no secrets." I laugh at the thought of being completely comfortable with another human being seeing who and what i was, inside out.

No doubt about it, i am penetrating and being penetrated at the same exact time. how wonderful, how ecstatic! a joining of two bodies, two minds, two spirits coming together to form one. how could i possibly describe this feeling? blissful, spiritual intercourse. The energy is flowing flowing flowing, i look into her pupil and oh! there she is gazing into me and oh! there's me gazing into her and oh! the pupil is getting darker and darker and wider and wider. i feel my jaw drop as the universe materializes in her ever expanding right eye. the twinkles of stars suddenly come into focus, planets and moons appear and warm diffused glow of the milky way galaxy hangs above them. i have an instant, satori-like moment of revelation: i realize how the beautiful, subtle dance of love between my lover and myself relates to the rest of the world, how our love connects to something far bigger than merely her and i. i see a glimpse of our relationship to whole universe and am awestruck by the sheer immensity of it all.

the view is short-lived, however, and in an instant the universe, the stars, the planets and the moons and the galaxy compress at lightning speed back into samantha's pupil. my thoughts shift gears from the universal to the personal. i acknowledge that i have just experienced a powerful moment of ego death, truly dissolved and perceptive of the bigger picture, even if only for a moment. samantha lies beside me and i wonder if she has just experienced the same divine, disintegrating revelation. i try to verbalize a question but soon realize my attempts at communication are futile; it appears as if, in a hilarious ironic twist, i have completely lost my ability to speak. I try to explain to her where i'd just been but as she stares at me blankly trying to make sense of my fragmented words. i sense doubt and fear crawling up into my brain. i hear little voices in my head questioning the value of an experience that can in no rational fashion be explained. how cursed to witness firsthand such a beautiful, life-changing moment and be completely incapable of conveying the moment's beauty, the moment's meaning to anyone outside of myself. having failed at any sort of comprehensible expression, i try harder to communicate but there's no point. my thoughts and feelings refuse to be packaged into the constricting containers of words and sentences.

communication is impossible.
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