She reached into the cabinet and removed a small green bottle of water-lily pollen. "Amnesia is not knowing who one is and wanting desperately to find out. Euphoria is not knowing who one is and not caring. Ecstasy is knowing exactly who one is - and still not caring."
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
another roadside attraction
"There are three mental states that interest me", said Amanda, turning to the lizard doorknob. They are: one, amnesia; two euphoria; three ecstasy."
She reached into the cabinet and removed a small green bottle of water-lily pollen. "Amnesia is not knowing who one is and wanting desperately to find out. Euphoria is not knowing who one is and not caring. Ecstasy is knowing exactly who one is - and still not caring."
She reached into the cabinet and removed a small green bottle of water-lily pollen. "Amnesia is not knowing who one is and wanting desperately to find out. Euphoria is not knowing who one is and not caring. Ecstasy is knowing exactly who one is - and still not caring."
Monday, April 27, 2009
october 16, 2007.
----
the world is disintegrating before my very eyes.
matter ceases to appear solid. the bedposts, paintings, and walls all surrounding me flow in and out of each other. everything is different and yet ultimately everything is the same.
i gaze directly into samantha's wide, ever-expanding pupil and feel her spirit, her thoughts and feelings penetrate me. eye to eye, a deceivingly silent, yet intensely overwhelming connection is formed. i feel the energy flow passing through her into me and through me into her. I am completely vulnerable. She is completely vulnerable. We lie there, clothes on but emotionally naked, all our natural mental shields obliterated. I am overtaken with the sensation of her flowing through my mind and soul, through the greatest and worst of my memories. I remember smiling to myself. "no secrets." I laugh at the thought of being completely comfortable with another human being seeing who and what i was, inside out.
No doubt about it, i am penetrating and being penetrated at the same exact time. how wonderful, how ecstatic! a joining of two bodies, two minds, two spirits coming together to form one. how could i possibly describe this feeling? blissful, spiritual intercourse. The energy is flowing flowing flowing, i look into her pupil and oh! there she is gazing into me and oh! there's me gazing into her and oh! the pupil is getting darker and darker and wider and wider. i feel my jaw drop as the universe materializes in her ever expanding right eye. the twinkles of stars suddenly come into focus, planets and moons appear and warm diffused glow of the milky way galaxy hangs above them. i have an instant, satori-like moment of revelation: i realize how the beautiful, subtle dance of love between my lover and myself relates to the rest of the world, how our love connects to something far bigger than merely her and i. i see a glimpse of our relationship to whole universe and am awestruck by the sheer immensity of it all.
the view is short-lived, however, and in an instant the universe, the stars, the planets and the moons and the galaxy compress at lightning speed back into samantha's pupil. my thoughts shift gears from the universal to the personal. i acknowledge that i have just experienced a powerful moment of ego death, truly dissolved and perceptive of the bigger picture, even if only for a moment. samantha lies beside me and i wonder if she has just experienced the same divine, disintegrating revelation. i try to verbalize a question but soon realize my attempts at communication are futile; it appears as if, in a hilarious ironic twist, i have completely lost my ability to speak. I try to explain to her where i'd just been but as she stares at me blankly trying to make sense of my fragmented words. i sense doubt and fear crawling up into my brain. i hear little voices in my head questioning the value of an experience that can in no rational fashion be explained. how cursed to witness firsthand such a beautiful, life-changing moment and be completely incapable of conveying the moment's beauty, the moment's meaning to anyone outside of myself. having failed at any sort of comprehensible expression, i try harder to communicate but there's no point. my thoughts and feelings refuse to be packaged into the constricting containers of words and sentences.
communication is impossible.
----
the world is disintegrating before my very eyes.
matter ceases to appear solid. the bedposts, paintings, and walls all surrounding me flow in and out of each other. everything is different and yet ultimately everything is the same.
i gaze directly into samantha's wide, ever-expanding pupil and feel her spirit, her thoughts and feelings penetrate me. eye to eye, a deceivingly silent, yet intensely overwhelming connection is formed. i feel the energy flow passing through her into me and through me into her. I am completely vulnerable. She is completely vulnerable. We lie there, clothes on but emotionally naked, all our natural mental shields obliterated. I am overtaken with the sensation of her flowing through my mind and soul, through the greatest and worst of my memories. I remember smiling to myself. "no secrets." I laugh at the thought of being completely comfortable with another human being seeing who and what i was, inside out.
No doubt about it, i am penetrating and being penetrated at the same exact time. how wonderful, how ecstatic! a joining of two bodies, two minds, two spirits coming together to form one. how could i possibly describe this feeling? blissful, spiritual intercourse. The energy is flowing flowing flowing, i look into her pupil and oh! there she is gazing into me and oh! there's me gazing into her and oh! the pupil is getting darker and darker and wider and wider. i feel my jaw drop as the universe materializes in her ever expanding right eye. the twinkles of stars suddenly come into focus, planets and moons appear and warm diffused glow of the milky way galaxy hangs above them. i have an instant, satori-like moment of revelation: i realize how the beautiful, subtle dance of love between my lover and myself relates to the rest of the world, how our love connects to something far bigger than merely her and i. i see a glimpse of our relationship to whole universe and am awestruck by the sheer immensity of it all.
the view is short-lived, however, and in an instant the universe, the stars, the planets and the moons and the galaxy compress at lightning speed back into samantha's pupil. my thoughts shift gears from the universal to the personal. i acknowledge that i have just experienced a powerful moment of ego death, truly dissolved and perceptive of the bigger picture, even if only for a moment. samantha lies beside me and i wonder if she has just experienced the same divine, disintegrating revelation. i try to verbalize a question but soon realize my attempts at communication are futile; it appears as if, in a hilarious ironic twist, i have completely lost my ability to speak. I try to explain to her where i'd just been but as she stares at me blankly trying to make sense of my fragmented words. i sense doubt and fear crawling up into my brain. i hear little voices in my head questioning the value of an experience that can in no rational fashion be explained. how cursed to witness firsthand such a beautiful, life-changing moment and be completely incapable of conveying the moment's beauty, the moment's meaning to anyone outside of myself. having failed at any sort of comprehensible expression, i try harder to communicate but there's no point. my thoughts and feelings refuse to be packaged into the constricting containers of words and sentences.
communication is impossible.
----
Thursday, April 23, 2009
permanganate
October 7, 2004 10:44:10 PM EDT
m: do you have to memorize ions?
o: not yet
m: well trust
m: me
m: permanganate is easy for you
m: its MnO4 - 1
o: What?
m: ofour
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
s.l.w.w II
So you think that you're a failure, do you? Well, you probably are. What's wrong with that? In the first place, if you've any sense at all you must have learned by now that we pay just as dearly for our triumphs as we do for our defeats. Go ahead and fail. But fail with wit, fail with grace, fail with style. A mediocre failure is as insufferable as a mediocre success.
no time to waste.
no time to waste.
Monday, April 20, 2009
still life with woodpecker
“When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.”
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
last night in amsterdam
you string a thought together with words.
you string life together with moments.
lots of moments, lots of life.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
a child's amaze
Silent and amazed, even when a little boy,
I remember I heard the preacher every Sunday put God in his
statements,
As contending against some being or influence.
Walt Whitman
Friday, April 10, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
many ways of looking at the same thing.
or
an exercise with barrels
We got peace, love & monkey business
Gonna reach the very top
an exercise with barrels
We got peace, love & monkey businessGonna reach the very top
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Yesterday's face is not the one I choose to see
Nor is the face
Of someone who gets much too close to me
I've got this place of my own
Where I can go when I feel I'm coming down
We'll do our best to ensure
You'll feel secure if you come
Love is the thing you crave But it lies asleep inside of all your heads Please, why don't you live a bit today? For tomorrow you may find that you are dead
- Caravan, "Place of My Own"
listen
listen
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
strange overtones
Put on your socks and mittens
It’s getting colder tonight
A snowball in my kitchen
I watched it melt before my eyes
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